The Unmanageability I Couldn’t See

Tonight’s meeting topic was the first three steps. The chair spoke about his own experience with the first, and something he said about the second part of it sparked a memory for me. When my turn came, I said my name, said I’m an alcoholic, and thanked him.

The memory went back to early on, when I’d been coming around a little while and asked a sponsor to work with me. He got to those first couple steps and asked me straight out: was I admitting I was powerless over alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable? I nodded. Said yeah, of course. Back then I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

In the meeting I read a couple of lines from How It Works, page 58. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas but the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

That was exactly where I was. Holding onto old ideas. Full of fear. That’s what kept me from seeing how unmanageable things actually were.

In my head I was making it. Really I was barely paying bills. Barely showing up for my wife and my family. Leaning too hard on her to carry what I wasn’t carrying myself. I believe a relationship should be fifty-fifty, and I wasn’t holding up my half. Anyone looking at that from the outside would have easily called it unmanageable, but I kept convincing myself I was getting by.

So the result was nil. It took more unmanageability before I could see it. Things fell apart until they really fell apart. My wife left. I ended up in a hospital bed with a harsh diagnosis. Only then did it become obvious.

I kept coming back. Worked with a sponsor. Worked the steps thoroughly this time instead of just nodding along.

I’ve read plenty of self-help books over the years, good ideas I’d file away and maybe pull out once in a while. I’ve never read anything like this book. It’s not an idea I store away. It’s an instruction manual I still reach for daily.

I closed by saying that’s what I had, and thank you. If there’s a newcomer out there holding onto old ideas the way I was, I hope this helps them see it a little sooner than I did.