Last night we were finishing up step five and moving into step six out of the twelve and twelve. I got called on to read, so I started the way I always do, my name is John, and I’m an alcoholic, and read from the middle of page sixty five. There’s a part that says if we ask, God will entirely forgive us of our dereliction, but in no way will he render us white as snow and keep us that way without cooperation. Then it goes on explaining step six, which is Were entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character.
When I shared afterward, I talked about how step six seemed easy on the surface when I first started out. I figured I’d just say I’m ready, God, and He’d go ahead and pluck these defects off me. That’s not really how it works, of course, and I started realizing that before I was even all the way through the reading.
What stood out to me was noticing people in the rooms who’d been all the way through the steps, some of them for years, still talking about their defects of character. That’s when it clicked for me that this one is different. You might get the obsession to drink removed pretty early on, but the defects don’t work that way. They’re something you have to stay aware of and keep working on, more and more as you go.
So I’ve spent a lot of time looking into myself, paying attention to my earlier steps and what my defects actually were. And I’m still working on them today. In fact, yesterday I had an argument with my mom. She said something that made me angry and I snapped back. Even now I’m aware I have to work on being more patient, on being careful not to say things in anger.
It’s an ongoing practice, kind of like what doctors call their work, a practice. Something you’re always improving, always adjusting. For me, being aware of my defects is the practice. I ask God daily to direct my thinking, to keep it free from self-pity, dishonesty, and self-seeking motives, and to give me the right thought or action whenever I’m agitated or doubtful. That’s part of the On Awakening prayer, and it’s how I keep working on my own character defects, even today. That was my share for the night.
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